when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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