You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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