I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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