the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
