My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
