i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
