Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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