We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
This house was built for laser tag.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
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