my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
