I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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