Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
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