I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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