I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
