Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
