I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
