Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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