Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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