Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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