He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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