also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
