our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
