Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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