I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
