i think my mom watched the whole time
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
