If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Couch. On fire.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Randomize
