smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
