Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
