Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
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