I think I just saw someone hide a body.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
