Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
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