you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
