i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
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