these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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