the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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