bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
