I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
