If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Randomize
