i wish there were pregnant emoticons
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
