A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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