Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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