You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
