Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
