just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
