you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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