can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I'm like, not good at living.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
