Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
