Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
