Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Randomize
