Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
