I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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