Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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