I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
