Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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