I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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