i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
