your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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