I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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