I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
