So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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