Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
my phone needs a breathalizer
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I'm bleeding and have questions
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
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